How do you deal with anger? Do you become aggressive? Do you suppress it? Do you calm down the anger?
Anger is a natural adaptive emotional response to a perceived threat. Yet it is often misunderstood.
Why do I get Angry?
We feel anger when we 1) experience events, situations, or people are out of our control– a canceled flight, a traffic jam, unfair treatment, economic hardship; 2) experience loss — divorce, death, illness.
What is Anger?
Anger is an emotion varying in intensity from irritation to rage. Like all emotions, it creates physiological and biological changes in the body — increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, increased levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline.
Anger is one of the hardest emotions to manage because it feels negative and invigorating at the same time. It is more energizing to feel angry than sad, to feel in control than fearful.
Anger is something we all experience and rather than denying it or avoiding it, a healthier solution is to find ways to change how we look at anger and our relationship with anger.
Misconceptions about anger
Anger is a behavior
Anger is not a behavior, it is an emotion. Confusing angry feelings with aggressive behavior has made it difficult to effectively manage this natural and useful emotion. You can learn to deal with anger in nondestructive ways making aggressive actions unnecessary.
Buried anger is to be feared
People who don’t express their anger are fearful that if they ever “let it out” there would be negative consequences. The reality is that many of the pain in relationships stem from anger that is unresolved. The answer is to find ways to resolve the issue that triggered the anger in the first place.
Human emotions are a “steam kettle”
For years people believed the Freudian myth that human emotions are like a “steam kettle.” If not vented, they would explode. This concept is false. What happens is that a memory triggers our feeling of anger and we experience the anger again. A more helpful path is to discover what triggers your anger and develop strategies for managing it.
What can I do about my anger?
Change the way you think
To deal effectively with your anger it is important to reduce the emotional and physiological arousal that anger creates. You may not be able to get rid of, or avoid, the things or people that anger you, but you can learn to think differently about the situation. Replace irrational thoughts with rational ones. Instead of “It’s awful,” tell yourself, “I’m upset and I can handle it.”
Minimize anger in your life
Remember that anger is not a solution to life’s ups and downs. Getting angry doesn’t fix things. Controlling your impulses and managing your responsive behavior goes a long way in improving your relationships. Increase your empathy, listen to others, be tolerant, forgive, adopt positive attitudes, and laugh at yourself.
Develop coping strategies
Despite our best efforts to minimize its influence in our lives, we will experience anger, whether we express it or not. Be prepared before the anger comes. Remember that you are responsible for your own feelings and that anger and aggression are not the same thing. Learn to relax with some simple tools, such as deep breathing, meditation, relaxing imagery, and non-strenuous exercise.
You can’t eliminate anger, life happens. But you can change the way you let life’s events affect you. Dealing with anger by managing your thoughts and behavior allows you to have a more fulfilling life.
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